May we meet again
by Mynock
Summary: Lexa left Clarke at the Mountain. She regrets it. [OS/Clexa but Lexa centric]


_May we meet again._  
My voice is threatening to betray me while I speak those few words, because none of us is dumb enough to think that we will ever meet again. By abandoning her here, I condemn her to death, her own death. I know her, she is stubborn. She will still try to enter the mountain, at whatever cost. We both know that between the reapers in the tunnels and the crazy mountain men, she won't survive. I give her one last look. I hope that she sees in my eyes how sorry I truly am, how weak I am for her.

 _May we meet again._  
One last sentence. Four words, these words are carrying all my hope. I hope that she will live, that she will save her friends, that she will eventually learn to forgive me one day. I'm an idiot. How could she ever forgive me when I even can't. I choose my head over my heart, because that is my duty. I am the commander of twelve nations, my people have to come first. In order to do that, I have to sacrifice my own happiness for them.

I can't believe that my whole world crashed in less than 24 hours. Last night I was kissing her. I can still feel her lips against mine. It was amazing, I felt like I was truly alive. And she kissed me back. She told me she wasn't ready, not yet. Two words. Not yet. I was seeing a bright future, with her by my side. We could have brought peace together. I could have offered her so much more than war. I could have shown her how life is much more than survival. I could have introduced her to our culture. We could have gone to Polis, our capital, a city full of life. She would have smiled at the children running around the streets, her bright smile. I would have shown her our art, our museums. There would have been dances, festivities. I could have make her happy. But now... now that I have betrayed her, I would never able to do that. I am Heda and my people always come first.

While I'm retreating with my people, I am full of regrets. I promised my warriors a battle, an epic one, where we would defeat the Maunon together. But I acted like a coward. I preferred a deal where we did not had to fight. I saved all my people in the process, but at what cost? Even when they are silent I can still tell that my warriors are disappointed. Blood must have blood and I've refused them that tonight. They were willing to die to avenge their loved ones. The same way I would have loved to kill the Azgeda with my bare hands when she had killed Costia. I know how they must feel right now. I know that by denying them their revenge, I betray them too. I see some of the ex-prisoners walking. They're free now. I've done my job. I am Heda, and tonight my people came first.

But it feels so wrong. I hate the commander spirit right now. If it had not chosen me, my life could have been so different. The many paths I wouldn't have had to take. I don't think I would have been a warrior, because even if I love the thrill of adrenaline running through my veins when I'm fighting, the way it makes me feel alive, it is not what I wanted to do when I was younger. I wanted to be a blacksmith. I loved to watch my father create new weapons, cherish them. In a different life I could have been bonding with Costia. We could have had children. In another life I would wake up next to her every morning. I would have little faces looking exactly like her, calling me out, calling me Nomon. I would teach them how to create a dagger. But I'm Heda, and I could not choose one person to come first.

My warriors are silent. They are probably angry right now, because they have been waiting for this battle for a very long time. I did too. It was not just about the Mountain men, by fighting along the Skaikru we could have been closer, they could have been the thirteen clan of my coalition. My people had grew quite fond of them, and some of the Skaikru would fit right in with Trikru. Camp Jaha and TonDC could have become one big city, a melting pot of our cultures. Nyko and Abby could have shared their healing knowledge. Indra and that Miller guy could have trained our warriors. After months of threats and tension, we could have had peace. But I'm Heda, and Skaikru are not my people.

Suddenly I'm tired. I'm tired of being wise. I brought peace between all the clans. Don't I deserve better ? "Don't we deserve better than that ?" Her words echo through my head. The sentence she pronounced right before I kissed her soft lips. Maybe she was right. I am a legend. Storytellers will tell my story for centuries. They will tell how I created the coalition between the twelve clans, how I freed my people from the mountain men. However, they won't tell the other parts. How I had my heart broken. How I hated myself, even if I did what people expect from me. How I am doomed to be alone. Because I'm Heda, and Lexa always comes last.

No. Not this time. I am weak for Clarke. I saved my people, but she belongs to my people too. I have to do something. Anything. I abruptly stop walking. Everyone looks at me.

" **I am Heda. And my people always come first. That is what happened tonight. I took a deal. I accepted to retreat and the Maunon have freed all of my people. But it is wrong. We formed an alliance, Skaikru are my people now too. And we left them at the mountain to die. I will go back to the mountain and fight those brawandas. Everyone who wants to come is welcome. You are not obligated, because it is true that Sky people are not a part of the coalition, we owe them nothing. But I, Lexa, feel this is something that I must do.** "

And I hear it. An eruption of cheers. " **Kom war** ", " **Jus drein, jus daun** ". And I know. They are with me. I am Lexa, and a certain blond comes first.

* * *

Thanks to my beta clarkesgriffvn on Tumblr  
I'm mynocksworld on tumblr, come and share Clexa love with me  
Any comment will be appreciated


End file.
